I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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