ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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