So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
