Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
