I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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