so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
