Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
