My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
