Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
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