I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
