I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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