Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
