Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
