Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
