he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
