Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
