I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
