he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
