I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
