you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i drank out of a bidet.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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