I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize