i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
How external is "for external use only"?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
