I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
