you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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