i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
