if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
