Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
