Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
