i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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