I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
