Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
