me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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