Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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