Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
