my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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