I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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