Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
