What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just found a bag of teeth...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
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