It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
