I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
