so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
