i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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