i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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