I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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