Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
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