Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
