woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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