You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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