I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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