Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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