I have demons in me.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
