You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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