btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I wish they made helmets for livers.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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